I Am Noah James

Cha Cha Cha…Dingleberries!!

Classic But I Digress… post

Originally released:  April 16th, 2006

Edited and re-released:  February 11th, 2010

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There are many commercials in this world that are funny.  Some make us laugh; others make us cry.  Some feature stereotypical family situations (which will be another blog.  Trust me!); and some have adorable puppies.  Some are filled with music of inspiration, joy, love, feeling…then there are the commercials with bears wiping their asses.

Yeah, you read correctly.  No typos there.  Bears using toilet paper and discussing the correct amount of TP to use to scoop their stuff.

First off, the commercials exposed me to something I didnt know.  Bears poop next to trees(?!).  I always thought they were scratching their backs, but they were really…how shall I put this delicately… ”dropping the kids off at the pool”??  Yeah that settles it:  I’m never going camping AGAIN!!  I mean, damn, no wonder my mom made me wash my hands when I came inside from climbing trees!  Sick.

In these very disturbing commercials, one bear explains to another bear that they simply use way too much toilet paper on their bear ass (no pun intended).  “You use 5 pieces?  Silly, use 3 instead.”  And all of this is in a sing-song, so that the viewers don’t get queasy at the thought of mountainous bear excrement.

“What’s the big deal?“, you say.  “Everybody poops.”  That’s exactly what they want you to think!  The song is nice and calm and comforting; whereas if you really thought about it, you’d realize that a lot of bears eat fish.  We all know how good that smells!  Cows and horses eat grain, and their pies never smell good; so just magnify that 5x and you got a bear’s.  Now is it so damn wonderful?!

Then they had a follow-up commercial that just proved my point.  There’s a commercial for Charmin wet-wipes.  And why are these made?  The commercial explains:  “Sometimes TP doesnt get it all.”

Well no sh*t, stupid bears.  If you only use 3 squares, and your ass could be mistaken for Robin Williams, you are going to have a lot left over!!  A couple pieces aren’t going to eliminate all of the dingleberries!  So why don’t you just use the same amount of TP that you did in the first place, and it’ll same you both time AND money(how the bears can afford TP in the first place is a mystery to me)!

I don’t want a dancing bear with a poo-tail trying to sell me toilet paper.  I think everyone would agree with me that the fecal follies of bears are not an efficient way to push a product.

For me, I’ll stick with the old Charmin guy who proclaimed:  “Dont squeeze the Charmin.”  It was simple, to the point, and had a wise philosophy behind it.  Toilet paper is about privacy.  So what he really meant was to stay out of other people’s business.  In other words:  Don’t squeeze the Charmin, and don’t be nosey; because if you do, you’ll just wind up with crap on your hands.

But I digress…